Critter chat with Beth and Todd

If I have not until now mentioned that my good friend Beth over at Beth Loves Bollywood writes a weekly column for the Wall Street Journal's RealTime India blog, it should not necessarily be assumed that that is because I have not until now been personally featured in that column. That said, check me out! The topic, an old favorite of Beth's and mine, is Bollywood's plethora of furry, four-legged and flying animal heroes.

4DK and Masala Zindabad take on THE BEASTS OF BOLLYWOOD!

Once again I've had the honor of being a guest on Beth and Amrita's wonderful Masala Zindabad podcast. This time around the topic of discussion is Indian cinema's veritable arkload of animal stars, a topic that longtime readers of 4DK will know I'm well familar with. The episode can be streamed for a limited time directly from the Masala Zindabad homepage, and can also be downloaded via iTunes. Hurry; if you pass this episode up, you risk making Moti the dog cry, and Pedro the Ape Bomb drunker and angrier than he already is!

He rules you all

Huh.

I bet that, back when he was just a page in a nature magazine, the Subliminal Marmoset never imagined that he would see such heights, beating out a popular favorite in a contest voted on by literally tens of people. Attribute it to his good looks, the high incidence of crack addiction among 4DK readers, or the high esteem in which Pyasa Shaitan is universally held (uh, no, that's definitely not it), but, whatever the case, the fact remains that the SM is the anipal you have chosen as the one who towers head and eyeballs above the rest.

And, as for our runner-up, when asked for comment he responded at first with shock...

...then denial...

...and then despair.

And then...

PEDRO, NO!

Well, I hope you're all happy.

So, now that the Animalympics is out of the way, let's move on to other important questions:

How will I live without the Animalympics?

Over the past seven months, the Animalympics has become a regular feature of our lives. For some, it might even be said that it has become a way of life -- a refuge, perhaps, from life's trials and disappointments, or a reminder of the beauty that can still be found in a world that sometimes seem harsh and indifferent. For some it may even have become a reliable and relatively easy means of providing regular content for their cult cinema themed blogs.

In any case, now that it has come to its close, I think it's important that we see the event as a beginning rather than an ending, an opportunity to once again start washing our hair, talking to our families, and maybe finally getting that weird rash looked at (for example). True, these have been heady days, and the chances that we in our daily lives will ever again see such heights are slim to none. But we are human beings, and this is what we do. We carry on.

Good luck and may gosh bless you all.

Chimp vs. ????: The 4DK Animalympics - The Final Battle!

Our finalists:

Pedro

The Subliminal Marmoset

This is exciting, because I imagine that, in the real world, a fight between Pedro and the Subliminal Marmoset would involve Pedro leaping out from behind cover with a blazing pistol in each hand, John Woo style, while the Subliminal Marmoset fired laser beams out of his eyes.

In any case, if the 4DK Animalympics has taught us anything, it's that it pays to have a gimmick. In the Subliminal Marmoset's case, that gimmick involved him being a still photograph that popped up completely out of context at random times throughout the running time of a bizarrely haphazard Indian horror film. Let this be a lesson to all aspiring still photographs of difficult-to-identify small primates then, because it is that very quality, apparently, that lead to the Subliminal Marmoset winning Tier 2 by a landslide, taking a whopping 40% of the total vote. Only Dharmendra in a bear suit (again, a gimmick!) came close, at a distant 30%, while strong contenders like Moti (20%) and Charles the boob-fixated cobra (5%) made startlingly weak showings. The results are unmistakably clear: You people are fucking crazy!

So now it's time for the big showdown... And remember, you will have to do whatever the winner says for the next year, so choose carefully. Do you want to spend that time fetching highballs for Pedro and being the nerve-addled subject of his constantly insisted-upon drunken games of "William Tell", or do you want to spend it being constantly freaked the eff out by the SM's continual staring and harsh-though-unspoken judgment?

As before, get thee to the polling gadget perched atop yon sidebar. Voting will go on for only one week this time around, with our winner making his/its victory lap next Tuesday.

It's the 4DK Animalympics... Tier 2!!! Vote NOW!

Our Winner for Tier 1:

PEDRO!!!

Okay, I guess no big surprise there. But what WAS surprising is just how tight this race was. I mean, who could have predicted that a dark horse candidate like the Terrifying Adorable Dog from James Bond 777 would give strong contenders like Pedro and Sheroo such a serious run for their money -- and would ultimately tie with Sheroo for 2nd place with a very respectable 17% of the vote? And on the other end of the spectrum, how about the fact that Peter, the gun-slinging pup from Rani aur Jaani, and Badal, Amitabh's statue-smitten steed from Mard, each received exactly zero votes? Voters, you made it abundantly clear that, once all the pageantry had ended and the real competition had begun, the 4DK Animalympics was anything but a dog and pony show.

And it's not over! But before we proceed, I'd like to point out that, with no chimpanzees competing in tier 2, even if he doesn't take it all -- which, obviously, he well might -- Pedro has already dominated over the rest of his species, easily taking out both Insaniyat's Zippy and the fez-wearing chimp from Jaani Dost. Ape has killed ape!

So now let's take a look at who'll be competing to face off against Pedro in the final. As before, you can vote for this bunch via the polling gadget located on top of the sidebar... starting NOW! Remember to click on the contestant's name to look at their full profile:

Aashiq from Char Dervesh
"Grrrrr!"




Dharmendra in a bear suit from Azaad
"I don't belong here!"




Moti from Teri Meherbaniyan
"I feel your pain!"




Ramu from Haathi Mere Saathi
"Vote for me or the kid dies!"




Jumbo from Khoon Bhari Maang
"Who's a good boy? I'M a good boy!"




Raja from Khoon Bhari Maang
"You know you wanna ride this!"




The Subliminal Marmoset from Pyasa Shaitan
"You will vote for me!"




Suraj from Appu Raja
"Read my lips!"




Charles from Doodh Ka Karz
"Don't tread on me!"




Rambo from Appu Raja
"Size matters!"

Oh, and one last thing: Given my apparent affinities (my wife condemned my avatar as a form of campaigning, for instance) I suppose it's not unreasonable that there might be questions about ballot stuffing on my part. But I assure you that's not the case. In fact, if the truth be known, I voted for Moti in the vain hope that we'd end up with a Moti vs Moti final -- a dream that is sadly never to be. So never have it said that I don't run a clean campaign. Now get out there and VOTE!

The 4DK Animalympics: Vote for your favorite NOW!

In these past twenty weeks that the Animalympics have been raging, we've seen in competition seven dogs, three chimps, two elephants, three birds, one snake, two horses, a static photograph of something that is either a marmoset or an owl monkey, and a slightly past-his-prime Bollywood hero in a bear costume -- in other words, a comprehensive cross-section of the entire animal kingdom. It's been a gas and a giggle, but we all knew that in the end there had to be a winner, one anipal who dominated over all the rest.

And now it's time for you to choose. Please avail yourselves of the homely but effective Blogger polling gadget up top of yon sidebar to let everyone know how you feel -- how you really, really feel -- about the revenge-crazed and perhaps even gun-wielding South Asian animal star that is closest to your heart. As you'll see, I have broken up the competitors into two tiers, with the first ten anipals up for voting this week, and the remaining ten submitted for your harsh but fair appraisal two weeks hence. When all the votes are in, the winner from each group will face off in a completely figurative battle to the death, from which will emerge our supreme victor. Huzzah!

And now, in order to refresh your memory, a re-introduction to our first ten competitors, with links to their full profiles:

Sheroo The Wonder Bird from Dharam Veer
"A chicken in every pot!"




Moti from Mard
"Beware of imitations!"




Pedro The Ape Bomb
"Vote for Pedro!"




Peter from Raani aur Jaani
"I'm not afraid to get my paws dirty!"




Allah Rakha from Coolie
"I'm not here to make friends!"




Badal from Mard
"A vote for Moti is a wasted vote!"




Zippy from Insaniyat
"I wuv you!"




Puppy from Hunterwali
"Leadership you can believe in!"




Chimp in a Fez from Jaani Dost
"I'm throwing my hat in the ring!"




The Terrifying, Adorable Dog from James Bond 777
"Look me in the eye and tell me you're not going to vote for me!"




I've got to say that, when I started this competition, I thought that it was going to be a pretty easy one to call. But that was before I was introduced to such strong contenders as Moti, the weeping serial killer canine from Teri Meherbaniyan and Charles, the breast-fixated, self-launching snake from Doodh Ka Karz, to name just two. Now I think it's fair to say that the field is wide open. All the more reason not to let your certainty of your anipal's shoo-in status render you complacent. Vote! Vote! Vote!

And one final note: Though it might seem that I have preferences of my own in this matter, I swear to undertake my duties as arbiter of this competition in a spirit of complete impartiality. (Oh, and BTW, those of you who would prefer to can send your vote by email to luchadiaries[at]gmail[dot]com -- just make sure to put the word "PEDRO" in the subject line.]

It's the 4DK Animalympics! Round 20

Rambo from Appu Raja

Skill Set: Stealth (for an elephant, I mean), gets high marks for both distance and accuracy in terms of villain-tossing

Rambo doesn't make his entrance until very late in Appu Raja, but, when he does, he ends up playing a very key role. 1980s masala movies take the dispatching of their villains very seriously. A mere bullet in the gut is never enough to settle scores with these cads -- not when so many dastardly deeds have been done, so many families torn apart, and so many virtuous Mother Indias kidnapped and abused. So how about having a giant pachyderm sneak up behind our malefactor, pick him up with his trunk, and toss him into a pen full of hungry lions? Yeah, that ought to do the trick. And note that this movie was made in 1989, so the pop culture reference embodied in our hero's name was no doubt intentional.

It's the 4DK Animalympics! Round 19

Charles from Doodh Ka Karz

Skill Set: Living javelin, brilliant military strategist, and bearer of a photographic memory; will basically dedicate his life to you in exchange for a fairly small amount of human breast milk

As I said before, Charles is not really the name of Doodh Ka Karz's lead cobra. But, because I feel that all anipals should be given the dignity of a proper name -- especially since, let's face it, they really are the true stars of these movies -- I bestowed this one upon him. And Charles seemed to fit, due to it denoting -- to my mind, at least -- a certain amount of sophistication. Charles is far from being your average stunt cobra, though he does indeed project himself through the air like some kind of disconcertingly slimy arrow with a small, expressionless face on it. He is instead a Cobra of both delicate sensibilities and finely honed intellect, capable of both calmly leading his cobra troops into battle and offering solace to a grieving mother. Plus, he drank some milk from Aruna Irani's tit. Holy shit! If only snakes had tear ducts, Charles would present us with a package that not even the great Moti could contend with. And ladies, I hear he's single (especially if you're nursing).

It's the 4DK Animalympics! Round 18

Suraj from Appu Raja

Skill Set: Master of the evil laugh, harbinger of doom

I'm not entirely clear on how involved Suraj is in the creation of the elaborate death traps cooked up by demented dwarf Appu in Appu Raja, but he obviously has some role. I say this because he is always at the scene, looking down sardonically from his perch, whenever some unwitting victim is about to meet his fate at Appu's hands. Thus there is no mistaking that Suraj is a cockatoo of pure evil. I didn't mention it in my review of the film, but there's a scene in Appu Raja in which he demonstrates his ability to produce a human-like laugh so sinister sounding that it would make those of Amrish Puri, Ajit and Amjad Khan all sound like girlish titters in comparison. It's truly bone chilling.

It's the 4DK Animalympics! Round 17

The Subliminal Marmoset from Pyasa Shaitan

Skill Set: The way he just... looks at you.

Pyasa Shaitan is filled with images that are at once hard for the mind to grasp yet impossible to unremember, and of all of them, the Subliminal Marmoset is the most indelible. Sure, he's just a still photograph that was probably clipped out of some old copy of National Geographic. And, yes, he's just one of many random visuals that Joginder throws at his audience to distract them from the fact that he has simply taken an old Kamal Hassan film and inserted lots of footage of boobs and himself yelling at the camera into it. But, people, let it go; star quality is star quality, and this little guy definitely has that certain je ne sais quoi that makes him stand out from the crowd. We think it's the eyes.

It's the 4DK Animalympics! Round 16

Raja from Khoon Bhari Maang

Skill Set: Bullet proof

When you're trying to exact revenge against the men who fed your face to a crocodile, it sometimes takes more than being a world famous disco supermodel. Sometimes you need a little help from the animal kingdom. That's why it's a good thing, in the case of Khoon Bhari Maang, that Rekha has at her side both her trusty dog Jumbo -- who we covered in Round 15 -- and this week's featured anipal, Raja. Now, as Mard has demonstrated, it can be tricky for an equine actor to costar with a dog. Unlike Badal, however, Raja proves that he can hold his own, and doesn't have to resort to any demeaning, monument-based miscegenation in order to do it. This is because Raja not only proves his mettle as an attack horse to be reckoned with, but also demonstrates that even a bullet fired at close range directly into his chest cannot slow him down (horses have chests, right?). That this incident merited no further mention once it had taken place, added to the fact that we see Raja looking tip-top at the film's conclusion, suggests that this type of thing happens all the time, and that Raja is in fact some kind of indestructible super-horse. Take that, evil!

It's the 4DK Animalympics! Round 15

Jumbo from Khoon Bhari Maang

Skill Set: Can smell evil

Don't get me wrong, Jumbo certainly performs his fair share of canine derring-do in Khoon Bhari Maang. As such, he is a key ally of Rekha's in her complicated revenge scheme involving plastic surgery and strategically becoming a supermodel. Too bad he couldn't save her from having her face eaten by that crocodile, though. (For more on the subtle, finely nuanced piece of cinematic tale-spinning that is KBM, please see Memsaab's also subtle and finely nuanced take on the film over at Memsaab Story). But to me the most important role that Jumbo plays in KBM is that of being the only one in the film who really knows what's going on. For instance, Rekha's homely widow character has absolutely no inkling that her uncle is an evil cad with plans of killing her for her inheritance. But Jumbo, on the other hand, can't get within ten feet of the old fucker without instantly wanting to rip his throat out. There's something very noble and tragic about all of this, because, whether or not he has a human empath to interpret his frantic signals (where's the Timmy to Jumbo's Lassie?), Jumbo is doomed to throw his lot in with whomever ends up with their hand on the can opener -- be that party scheming and murderous, or simply too thick to see what's right in front of them until their head is literally wedged between the rapidly compressing jaws of a large aquatic reptile. Fortunately, Jumbo only has to wait until his mistress has worked her way up through the ranks from being a horribly disfigured nobody to the absolute pinnacle of the modeling world for his sad situation to improve.

It's the 4DK Animalympics! Round 14

Ramu from Haathi Mere Saathi

Skill Set: General weepiness, cat wrassling, causing Rajesh Khanna to set himself on fire in order to make ends meet due his high feeding cost.

In case you were wondering, the three main events in the Animalympics are ass-kicking, hell-raising, and shit-disturbing. We're basically looking for animals that manage to be two-fisted even without, in most cases, the benefit of actual fists. This makes Ramu and his other elephant friends from Haathi Mere Saathi a bit of an odd choice, because they're a fairly kindly lot, more about teaching their audience a lesson about friendship and brotherhood than anything else. YAWN! However, Ramu is also a friend to all children -- like Gamera! -- which, in the critter-rich wilds of India, necessitates that he occasionally defensively stomp on a cobra or fling a leopard around with his trunk. In addition to that, he is a misunderstood hero -- like James Dean! -- which means that people think he's much more of a badass than he actually is. This all happily combines to allow us to include him here. I also have to warily tip my hat to Ramu for being the inspiration for some of the most harrowing depictions of child peril that I've ever seen in a Bollywood movie -- which is quite a statement given the industry's amply demonstrated willingness to go there for the sake of wringing an emotional response out of its audience. The worst of these is when crazy Tanuja has a vision of Ramu stomping on her infant son. In sum, it serves as a sobering reminder that it's all fun and games until somebody gets their head crushed.

[NOTE; The 4DK Animalympics will be taking a vacation for the next couple of weeks, but will be back with more violent animal awesomeness after the holidays.]

It's the 4DK Animalympics! Round 13

Moti from Teri Meherbaniyan

Skill Set: Crying on cue even more reliably than SRK, creating a deep emotional bond with his audience, mastery of The Method

Every time I see Moti from Teri Meherbaniyan crying like that, I think of this ceramic bank my friend gave me that looks like a crying dog holding a gun to his head with one hand while clasping a bottle of poison in the other. I thought it would be easy enough to find a Google image of it, but apparently it's a less common item than I had thought. I'm now convinced that I'll be able to sell it on eBay for a bajillion dollars. Anyway, setting my future tchotchke-based wealth aside for the moment, the point is that Moti is not just about sadness and weeping. He expresses a wide range of emotions and mental states with equal mastery, including rage, lust, psychosis -- you name it, really. In short, whether he is doing Shakespeare in the West End or appearing before the cameras in Bollywood, Moti brings a level of professionalism to his performances that makes those of all the other participants in the Animalympics look like cheap parlor tricks by comparison. Rumor has it that he is next slated to play the world's first dog to be stricken with Progeria.

Bidding still open!

It's the 4DK Animalympics! Round 12

Dharmendra in a bear suit from Azaad

Skill Set: Unknown... and too unpleasant to speculate upon.

Dharmendra: Man, beast, or both? The question has plagued both zoologists and film fans for nearly half a century. And with Azaad, Dharmendra appears to have given us an answer... sort of. Does the fact that he wears this costume for the purpose of pitching woo make him some kind of proto-furry? I won't speculate. But whatever the answer, his inclusion here is justified by this disquieting merger of man and anipal's status as a true benchmark in the history of Bollywood anthropomorphism.

It's the 4DK Animalympics! Round 11

Aashiq from Char Dervesh

Skill Set: Loyalty, swashbuckling

Just as you would expect of a dog owned by Feroz Khan, Aashiq (as portrayed by "Dog Romer") is a complete badass. I mean, just look at that picture. Doesn't that really say it all? This animal, despite lacking opposable thumbs, has just run his human adversary through with a sword and is now standing over him trying to figure out how to best convert him into dog food. Okay, to be honest, I don't think that's actually what just happened. But still, you have to admit it's an iconic image.

It's the 4DK Animalympics! Round 10

The terrifying, adorable dog from James Bond 777

Skill Set: Terrorism, adorable-ism, safe-cracking

The T.A.D. is the most formidable weapon in the arsenal of James Bond 777's criminal mastermind, "Boss": an animal so sweet natured in appearance that his victims will happily roll around on the floor and maul themselves to death just to please him. Add to this his ability to lead his canine cohorts in a daring bank robbery and you have before you a veritable poster child for misleadingly heartwarming anipal evil. Any Animalympics contestant spotlighted during a week in which 4DK has already prominently featured the frankly astonishing exploits of Teri Meherbaniyan's Moti is, of course, placed at a distinct disadvantage, but the T.A.D.... well, to be honest, probably won't be the one to topple Moti's lead. But, nonetheless: Awwwwwww.

It's the 4DK Animalympics! Round 9

Chimp in a fez from Jaani Dost

Skill Set: Come on, he's wearing a fez! Also, cross-dressing.

The chimp wearing a fez is an iconic figure in the world of screen animals. It is for this reason that, despite the fact that I only have a pale ghost of a memory of even watching Jaani Dost, I am including Bollywood's tribute to him therein in the Animalympics. What I do remember about the chimp wearing a fez from Jaani Dost is that he was evil, and that the chimp who played him executed a double turn worthy of Peter Sellers by also portraying the female chimp wearing a sari who was the love interest of the chimp wearing a fez. This of course opened up the potential for all kinds of disturbingly literal representations of simian self love, but at least it provided a momentary distraction from the spectacle of Dharmendra and Jeetendra running around in superhero suits while each proclaiming himself The Lion King. I may be wrong, but I'm pretty sure that the chimp wearing a fez wasn't even given a name in Jaani Dost. In any case, I'm not going to watch it again to make sure. That movie was terrible.

It's the 4DK Animalympics! Round 8

Puppy from Hunterwali

Skill Set: Loyalty, equestrianism

I am clearly an awful man. Hunterwali is rife with rape, talk of honor killing, and brutal violence. But at the end of it, a dog rides a horse. What do I take away from it? That's right, it's the movie where a dog rides a horse. Don't hold it against Puppy, though. He can ride a horse.

It's the 4DK Animalympics! Round 7

Zippy from Insaniyat

Skill Set: Well, just look at the cute little dickens!

While Bollywood's premiere chimpsploitation star Pedro, the Ape Bomb is possessed of many talents, there is one area in which he is soundly lacking: adorableness. And that's where Zippy comes in. Unfortunately, if Memsaab's review is to believed, Zippy's adorableness is all that Insaniyat has going for it. On the plus side, though, if we are to further believe the above screencap, he also has the power of speech! Pedro, we heard, also had the power of speech, but had to have his dialogue dubbed over with chimp sounds due to his propensity for reciting heart-stoppingly obscene limericks whenever within earshot of a microphone. No such unsavory behavior for our Zippy, though, as his only desire in life is to be your own special widdle cuddly wuddly woo woo. Okay, I just threw up a little bit.