Tuesday, May 17, 2011

You just got Wenged

For those of you who aren't savvy to all the latest, hip Internet lingo, to be "Wenged" means to be dick punched by a dwarf. (See Figure A.) There is no female variation of this phrase, because Weng Weng would never hit a lady, whether she had a dick or not.

Anyway, I just completed the second part of my Weng Weng double header over at Teleport City, filing a detailed analysis of the affect challenged Pinoy homunculus' Western opus D'Wild Wild Weng. It's all part of the B-Masters' latest Roundtable, They Might Be Giants, a celebration of all stars great and small (provided they are all small). Check out my full review here.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Friday's best pop song ever: POPOCALYPSE 1984 edition, part 2

In this video, Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers sift through the rubble of a barren post-nuclear world, only to find archeological proof of the existence of... Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers.


Wednesday, May 11, 2011

I Kid you not

The idea of the latest B-Masters Roundtable is to fondly (and, of course, respectfully) celebrate all of those small folk who've lit up the big screen, be they homunculi, dwarfs, or malevolent circus midgets. For my first contribution, I've posted a slightly revised version of my 4DK review of The Impossible Kid -- that epic of espionage featuring Filipino superstar Weng Weng as the pocket-sized super spy Agent 00 -- over at Teleport City, with an all original review of that film's follow up, D'Wild Wild Weng Weng, to follow soon after. Don't let your eyes fool you; the movies aren't getting smaller, the people are! Read my full review here.

Friday, May 6, 2011

OMG War God!

Also reviewed at Tars Takas.NET.

“Try as I might, it’s very hard for me to imagine this movie being anything other than awesome.”
That was me, back in October of 2009, talking about the 1976 Taiwanese fantasy movie War God. If you’re a fatalist like me, you’ll recognize that those words couldn’t have been more designed to be eaten than if they’d been sprinkled with jimmies. At the time, however, I felt safe in uttering them, due to the fact that there seemed little chance that I would ever actually see War God. Furthermore, they were conveyed via the internet, where it’s common practice to throw the word “awesome” at things that are either contingent, lost to the ages, or completely imaginary. Truthfully, it is only in such a limbo state that we net rats actually allow ourselves to enjoy a thing -- knowing as we do that, should it beat the odds and actually make its way into our waking world, the cruel mathematics of nerd expectations will guaranty that it’s made of 100% Fail.

War God came to my attention by way of the evil Tars Tarkas, a dedicated hunter of tantalizing-sounding lost films who’s a great friend to have if you like having, not even carrots, but hazy, low resolution photographs of carrots dangled in front of your nose all the time. From the materials that Tars unearthed, the film appeared to be a Japanese style giant monster mash -- directed, no less, by Chen Hung Min of Little Hero fame –- in which a battleship-sized version of the revered historical figure-cum-deity Guan Yu protects Hong Kong from a trio of equally mammoth alien invaders. For Tars as for me, the mere sight of the faded old lobby cards and publicity stills was the only spark needed to fuel an enduring obsession. The mere idea of War God had us dancing around excitedly like two grown men for whom the idea of a film featuring a man in a rubber monster suit giving a thumping to another man in a rubber monster suit while standing amidst a field of model skyscrapers was somehow both new and novel, while, in reality, we were two grown men who had seen literally dozens upon dozens of such films. This is the sort of thing that is, within our particular circle, referred to in hushed tones as The Sickness. And we had it bad.

Given the inevitable and stratospheric raising of hopes that such self perpetuating hysteria engenders, it’s conceivable that the absolute worst thing that could have happened to us was that War God would actually surface one day, and that we would then be forced to consider its relative puniness within the shadow of the towering mythology we’d built up around it. And dammit, it was fun building up that mythology: spewing all that hyperbole, venting all of that unfounded speculation, saying “awesome” a lot. Why did fucking stupid old War God have to come along and ruin it? But come along it did.

But, having come, did it really ruin anything?




As a production, War God’s timing is interesting, as it is indeed a monster film very much in the Japanese style that happened to come along at a time when, in Japan, not only had the Kaiju Eiga genre disappeared from theater screens, but the special effects driven Tokusatsu boom -- so prevalent on Japanese TV during the early 70s -- was seriously on the wane. Before I’d seen the film, this fact lead me to wonder whether War God might have benefited from the work of some underemployed Japanese special effects technicians (after all, it’s not as if there wasn’t precedent for such a thing). Upon seeing the film, however, and observing the relatively crude nature of its model work and costumes, I began to suspect that this was not the case.

The film focuses on an ensemble cast of characters, among whom are Chao, an aging sculptor who, in order to keep a promise made to his late wife, is racing to complete what he proposes will be a “perfect” statue of the warrior god Guan Yu. Working against Chao is the fact that he is rapidly losing his vision to glaucoma. Still, the devout senior labors on, convinced that, once completed, the statue will be infused with the spirit of Guan Yu himself. Meanwhile, Chao’s son, Chai Chun (Gu Ming-Lun), is a “space scientist”, who, in stark contrast to the decidedly old world feel of his father’s cluttered studio, works in a stylishly antiseptic, space-age laboratory, where he and his staff torture bees in order to replicate the hypothetical environments of other planets. Not surprisingly, Chai Chun is baffled by what he sees as his father’s superstitious beliefs, even at one point -- for the benefit of those in the audience who prefer things on the nose -- protesting that “there is no god in the twentieth century.”

So it doesn’t take long to see that War God is going to present itself as a parable pitting the opposing values of faith and science against one another… and not that much longer to realize that it’s a fixed fight. Like a Chick tract, War God has one, and only one, message to impart. And that message is that Team Faith is the one to be on. When the introductions are over and the shit starts to get real, Team Science again and again proves that it has neither explanations nor solutions, and, in its most shining moments, can only act as a kind of pit crew for the forces of Team Faith. Also at issue is modernity itself, as exemplified by Chai Chun’s troubled younger sister, Li Un (Tse Ling-Ling), whose lack of moral grounding leads her to pursue such decadent pastimes as riding around on a motorcycle and dancing wantonly in a public park to Carl Douglas’ “Kung Fu Fighting” -- not to mention making her the ideal candidate to be the messenger through which the forces of evil will speak when they arrive. (I have to admit, though, that, despite the film’s nominal agenda, War God’s funky, wakka-wakka guitar soundtrack makes modern life, circa 1976, seem pretty damn cool.)




And the trouble that arrives does indeed have a decidedly punitive, Old Testament quality to it. Mysterious lights in the sky are followed by a series of nightmarish atmospheric and physical anomalies. Boiling rain falls from the sky, gravity fails us, and even time itself starts to run backward without warning. Finally, a flying saucer arrives in Hong Kong and dispatches forth three mammoth-scale Martians, who declare their intention of punishing the human race for its warlike ambitions. An ultimatum is made, demanding that the Earth destroy its nuclear arsenal within 24 hours, and then the Martians set to literally swaggering about like a trio of cyclopean juvenile delinquents, randomly smashing with their gigantic clubs whatever fixtures of Hong Kong’s skyline come within their path.

Throughout this, the makers of War God take great care to show us the collateral damage wrought by this massively scaled carnage. Even once our giant hero makes his appearance and enters the fray, with all the requisite building smashing that such a titanic battle would require, we are constantly cutting away to shots of the terrified and helpless tenants of those buildings being crushed and suffocated. (The only other time I’ve seen something similar attempted in a kaiju film was during the Shibuya sequence in Shusuke Kaneko’s Gamera: Revenge of Iris.) This tends to contribute to War God seeming just a bit more grim and mean spirited than your typical Ultraman episode, but also makes sense within the context of the times. The English translation of War God’s promotional materials provided over at the excellent Achilles Girl in Actionland blog indicates that the film was originally marketed, at least in part, as a disaster film. And, indeed, these aforementioned aspects of the film echo to a great extent the smug, God’s eye moralizing of Irwin Allen’s disaster epics of the period, in which, no matter how random nature was in its depredations, it always took great care to ensure that the “bad” people –- the unscrupulous developers, the adulterers, and especially those foolish mortals hubristic enough to think that they were above harm -- got especially fucked up. This, then, is the unique fusion that War God accomplishes, melding in equal parts the sensibilities of the 1960s Kaiju Eiga and the 1970s Hollywood disaster drama.




Alongside these darker tendencies, War God also displays a keen sense of comic book melodrama. Coming after a tense buildup, the final and expected transformation of Chau’s statue into the giant avenger of the film’s title comes not a moment too soon, and at a pitch clearly designed to illicit rapturous cheers from the peanut gallery. From this point on, the film dedicates a generous portion of its running time to the apocalyptic, real estate decimating battle royal at hand -- at the end of which, not just the forces of Team Science, but even the Martians themselves must concede the invincible power of God. Such quivering tribute on the aliens’ part, of course, elicits no mercy from Guan Yu, and they are soon reduced to offal by the slashing of his gigantic guan dao.

You know what? Despite my fears, War God actually lived up to my expectations. After all, as I indicated earlier, the thing that is most awesome about War God is the idea of War God, and the filmmakers here honored that idea to the best that their means and abilities would allow. The film’s pacing is breathless, it’s distinctions between good and evil deliciously stark, and it’s doling out of cheap special effects and miniature carnage just about as generous as one could hope for. Of course, these virtues might be harder for us to appreciate from an adult remove. But I think that, if any kaiju fan out there had seen this film when he or she was a kid, back when they first saw all of those Godzilla movies that are now so close to their hearts, they would have loved it, and would still love it today. It all goes to show that sometimes these films that seem from a distance like potential lost gems can, once found, prove to be gems in fact, however minor.

This review is part of a special crossover event between 4DK and TarsTarkas.NET. Be sure to check out Tars' take on War God over at his site.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Friday's best pop song ever: POPOCALYPSE 1984 edition, part 1

Describe the 1980s by whatever dismissive shorthand you'd like, but, for those of us that lived through it, what defined that decade most was the constant awareness that we could be annihilated at any moment by an errant warhead. For those who survived such a conflagration, what awaited them was a bleak, nomadic existence of scavenging, savage turf wars, and looting clothes from Frederick's of Hollywood. While it permeated every aspect of our culture at the time, nowhere was this grim scenario brought to life more stupidly than in the era's pop music videos. Join us then, as, for the entire month of May, Friday's Best Pop Song Ever celebrates the neon decade's stirring musical visions of The Day After.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Fighting Femmes, Fiends, and Fanatics Episode 11: Darna, the Return

This latest episode of Fighting Femmes, Fiends, and Fanatics finds yours truly once again in the guest host seat, this time discussing one of my favorite subjects: the beloved and many-lived Filipino superheroine Darna.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Adam Khor (Pakistan, 1991)


Back in my review of Da Khwar Lasme Spogmay, I mentioned that the success of the film Adam Khor kicked off something of a horror boom within Pakistan's Pashto language film industry. But, in saying that Adam Khor is a horror film, I don't mean to suggest that it was subject to the same kind of self imposed limitations seen in Western genre films. On the contrary, Adam Khor is a film that truly wants it all. And by "all", I mean everything that you'd expect from a Pashto film of its era, including vengeance driven melodrama, manliness on the most manly level imaginable, lots of throaty yelling, fat ladies in wet clothing dancing, and an abundance of loud gunfire and punching sound effects in places where none were manifestly called for.

As our story begins, the residents of a Pakistani village are up in arms about a series of grisly murders that are being committed by some kind of rampaging, supernatural man beast. At the same time, those same villagers are being terrorized by the gang of Haibat Khan, a satanist who maintains his chi by means of all kinds of gory blood sacrifices conducted within a cave lair covered with crude animal drawings. COULD IT BE THAT THESE TWO THINGS ARE SOMEHOW CONNECTED?

Into this situation walks our hero, played by Badar Munir, who makes his entrance by rising up out of the soil like some kind of dirt encrusted cross between Rambo and Bigfoot. Like his Punjabi cinema counterpart Sultan Rahi, Munir is devoid of what we might think of as traditional matinee idol qualities, but makes up for that by having such an excess of testosterone that you can easily imagine each of his testicles having a smaller pair of testicles of their own. Also like Rahi, Munir seemed to have been the only action hero that his native film industry felt was needed during his heyday, and so was employed to the extent of starring in several hundred films. Among these were both of the Pashto films previously reviewed on 4DK. Attentive readers might remember Munir as "hypodermic guy" from Haseena Atom Bomb and "guy covered with knives" from the aforementioned Da Khwar Lasme Spogmay.

Anyway, Munir's character here seems to have a knack for being in the wrong place at the wrong time as far as the man beast is concerned. Earlier, after stumbling upon one of the monster's victims, he was blamed for the crime and had his entire family slaughtered by an angry mob as a result. Now, no sooner as he made his dramatic entrance in this new town than he again finds himself at the scene of one of the beast's killings, and is promptly thrown in jail by the village's new police inspector. Luckily, Badar has as a pet a grenade throwing, horse riding monkey who is always at the ready to free him from the predicament at hand.




Yes, I did just write "grenade throwing, horse riding monkey", and the fact that I did so with so little fanfare (a few months back, I probably would have written something like "a fucking grenade throwing, horse riding monkey", as I often fail to distinguish between cursing and fanfare) is indicative not of said monkey's lack of stature as an animal sidekick -- far to the contrary -- but instead simply of the fact that, when it comes to animal sidekicks in South Asian movies, I have by this point seen oh, so very much.

Now on the lam from the authorities, Badar soon runs into Da Khwar Lasme Spogmay's leading lady, Shehnaz, who is here playing the sister of the previous police inspector, who was viciously murdered by Haibat Khan's gang. (Once again, I am in debt to Omar Khan at The Hotspot Online for, by way of his review,  clarifying for me some of the less easily apprehended aspects of this unsubtitled movie's plot.) He decides to join her in her mission of vengeance against the bandit. This mission, of course, runs into opposition from the current police inspector, who is bent upon returning Badal to prison -- until, that is, circumstances lead to all three being united in their bloody minded thirst for revenge, and Badar, Shehnaz and the top cop team up for a raid on Haibat Khan's lair, which looks like a mall Halloween store stripped of all the sexy maid and nurse costumes. Ultimately, all leads to a characteristically lumbering kung fu battle between Badar and the yeti-like titular monster, with Badar ending up getting a little extra assistance from Allah.




As I indicated above, Adam Khor is pretty heavy with those elements typical of Pashto revenge films of its day. The fist fights, gun battles, and reverbed yelling matches are plentiful, as, to a truly astonishing degree, are those dance sequences featuring meaty woman who, in the course of hoofing it up to a succession or unremarkable tunes, appear all too eager to practically sit on the camera. But, to its credit, when it does get around to the horror elements of its story, Adam Khor truly delivers. The final reveal of the monster is preceded by no less than ten minutes of cackling skeletons, flashing lightning, and echoplexed shrieking. And, when shown in all his glory, that monster proves himself to be about the best re-purposing of shag carpet remnants one could hope for. Furthermore, there's no skimping on the blood and gore. There are beheadings and a number of graphic disembowelments, and, at one point, the monster rips what appear to be a guy's lungs out of his chest and then eats them right in front of him.

All of this makes Adam Khor a film that many people will not be able to enjoy on any level at all. And, at a full 150 minutes in length, that's a lot of un-enjoyment to go around. Others of us might see things of potential interest within it, but will be so repelled by the rest that they won't feel it's worth the bother. But for souls more adventurous, indiscriminate, or simply inebriated, I feel the effort of keeping one's finger constantly poised above the fast forward button is well worth it. Based on my limited exposure to Pashto cinema, I can't say with authority that Adam Khor exemplifies everything, good and bad, that that corner of the film-making world has to offer, but, if it doesn't, I shudder to think at what else lies in store.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

The Infernal Brains Podcast, Episode 5


In this latest episode of the Infernal Brains, Tars Tarkas and I wrap up our lively discussion of Turkish superhero movies. You can download the podcast here, or stream it with a nifty slideshow below.



And if you missed part one of the discussion, look no further...

Monday, April 25, 2011

Zagor: Kara Korsanin Hazineleri (Turkey, 1971)


Though I doubt any of you have been feeling a gaping, Zagor sized hole in your lives, the fact is that, back when I reviewed Zagor: Kara Bela, I promised that I would also review its sequel, Zagor: Kara Korsanin Hazineleri, and dammit, that is a promise I plan on keeping. To refresh your memory, this is a Turkish film adaptation of an Italian comic book depicting frontier life in the old American west we’re talking about, so be sure to take notes for your next history exam. The 19th century superhero Zagor returns, along with his trusty hatchet and his staggeringly racist sidekick, Chico, a fat Mexican stereotype who again sleeps and eats his way through the entire picture and also has a hilarious bit we’re he snores exaggeratedly. Moving on…

Some English speaking viewers might bemoan Zagor: Kara Korsanin Hazineleri’s lack of subtitles, but not I, as that lack allowed me to coast through the film’s various convolutions swathed in a cocoon of ignorance. I can’t really tell you what it was about -- though there were pirates involved -- but I think that my inability to focus on the particulars of plot enabled me to see all the more clearly Zagor: Kara Korsanin Hazineleri’s true strengths. Compared to it’s predecessor, I’d say that the film has a near perfect balance of talky-ness and fighty-ness, in that, while the talking parts are quite talky, the fighting parts are also very fighty, and also plentiful. I actually began to wonder if star Levent Cakir had a background in professional wrestling, so profligate was his employment of flying scissor holds and the like. It was almost like watching a Dara Singh movie, except with way more cartwheels.

But just as much strangling.

So, yes, there are pirates, as I mentioned, and a pirate’s treasure (in fact, the title translates as something like “The Treasure of the Black Pirate”), as well as a lead actress with tremendous hooters (not mentioned in the title) who spends most of the film being captured and/or imperiled. What is sadly lacking is a villain clad in a black hood, like the one seen in Zagor: Kara Bela, for easy identification. Instead what we get seems to be a little more complex, with an assortment of shady interests competing to get the treasure, and Zagor helping the authorities maintain law and order by thumping everybody in succession. At one point a gang lead by a fellow in a bowler hat and gondolier’s shirt tries to shut down a lighthouse in order to make a ship crash into the rocks, until Zagor comes along. Thump thump thump thump.

You're welcome.

Don’t let my glib assessment lead you to believe that I didn’t enjoy Zagor: Kara Korsanin Hazineleri. I did. It’s just that, given that the film was made during the same year as it’s predecessor -- and likely back-to-back with it, from the looks of things -- there probably wasn’t much thought given to shaking up the formula beyond a little streamlining pacing-wise. It’s pretty safe to assume that no Zagor themed focus groups had been conducted, nor was the term “reboot” kicked around. It’s basically just more of the same -- which, in the case of Zagor thumping people with his hatchet, is a good thing, and, in the case of Chico stuffing half chickens into his mouth while saying the Turkish equivalent of “aye carumba”, is bad.

Never have it said I don’t keep my promises.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Fantomas unmasked


At the risk of giving short shrift to literally everything else on Earth, there are few things cooler than Fantomas. How cool is he? So cool that, even when he is placed at the center of a somewhat fluffy French adventure comedy, he still retains his awesomeness. Andre Hunebelle's 1964 Fantomas is just such a film, and, given that this year marks the French master criminal's 100th birthday, I thought it deserved my undivided attention. Read my full review, just posted over at Teleport City.